Getting over it

I used to be hurt. Hurt that he lied. Hurt that he faked going to work while he spent hours with her. Later I realized she was easy, available, and could have been anyone. In fact I quite think years ago I was her. Not in any particular way, but the deer caught in headlights he was about to feast upon.

He didn’t care about her. He didn’t bat an eye when she made him choose between her and me. It was all about sex and control. He prided himself on controlling her, she would believe any damn lie that escaped his lips. When I’d hear some of it later I couldn’t get over how stupid one had to be to accept it.

He had vanished for 10 days. Just went to work, turned off his phone, and that was that. I was filing missing persons reports fearing he was dead on the side of a road somewhere, he was shacked up with her, at her grandmothers house. She’s half his age and tiny, they’re always tiny, it makes him feel more powerful as he is barely average himself. Everything is about his ego, what he wants, the entire relationship was like taking care of a child. He’d never give, after the “honeymoon”, he’d always take, and make promises that he never kept.

She didn’t know one true thing about me beyond I existed. It was of course all lies. For sympathy, he said, to manipulate her. When he admitted it he begged to stay with me, while still telling her he wanted her. She played the pregnancy card. Mind you, she was a liar too, though she was also quite dumb so perhaps she believed she was because she wanted to be.

No one asked what I wanted.

I was in too much shock and pain to even make a choice if they had. I spent the entire year after, foolishly demanding I deserved to be treated better than her. The thing is, he could have transformed into everything I wanted, I simply no longer wanted him. Nothing he could say would repair it. The trust was gone. Belief was gone. I was gone.

Except I’m stuck here, in this house I don’t want to be in, with him.

Now he says he will do anything to help me, make me happy. I was happy, and I let him ruin me and hurt me all because I had no way out, nowhere to go, no one to lean on. After everything I’ve done for others, it didn’t matter.

I wish I could go back in time and walk right past him.

Reality is cruel. If this is some cosmic lesson, I don’t get it.

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